Like I’ve Been Saying

For two weeks, I’ve been dragging myself through applying for freelance jobs and not feeling good about it, and my inner wisdom has been yelling at me:  “This can’t be good for you because you can’t get someplace good from a bad feeling place!”

Here’s today’s Abraham-Hicks quote:

“You can never have a happy ending at the end of an unhappy journey; it just doesn’t work out that way. The way you’re feeling, along the way, is the way you’re continuing to pre-pave your journey, and it’s the way it’s going to continue to turn out until you do something about the way you are feeling.”

Like I said.

Everyday that I’ve worked on freelancing, I’ve felt tense and unhappy.  Yesterday, because I’d already put in several proposals and didn’t want to do more until I got a sense, next week, of whether I was going to get work from what I’ve done, I decided to “play.”  Ducky has been twittering.  I did a couple Joyful Springer posts.  I made my things I love list.  I made a batch of cookies.  I watched the rain.  I read a little.  I played with Ducky.  And I felt good.

Here’s the thing I’m seeing with freelancing.  People want high quality work very fast for very little money.  I bid on a job about dogs last week.  I have the expertise and the track record to do the work.  The job was to write two 160-170 page e-books.  I bid $3000 and said I could do it in a month.  I heard from the client, who thought a month was a little fast but agreed my price was reasonable.  I said I would take as long as the project needed but I write quickly.  I found out today, he awarded the job to someone with no book-writing experience, no dog background, someone with no portfolio of work examples, but who bid $1500 … to write 2 e-books!

I’m thinking I need to disconnect myself from the “real world” out there.  It’s a world full of panicked people willing to settle.

This week, I refused to bid on the jobs that would have brought me a couple hundred dollars.  And guess what I got today?  $140.  An expected windfall from a class action lawsuit against my city … one that was resolved years ago, but one that owed settlements to anyone who paid stand-by water and sewer fees during a certain time period.  I was one of those people.  $140 isn’t enough to live on.  But it’s money just falling into my lap.  I’ll take it!!

I need to create a happy journey, and that’s what this experiment was supposed to be about.  I’ve let myself get sidetracked with the idea that I have to find work.

Today, I’m going to do some brainstorming on other ideas.

It’s raining steadily (and remember, I love rain).  Tim and I cleaned the house (and I love a just cleaned house) and changed our sheets (I love clean sheets).  Life is good.

Getting Easy

I’ve been over-thinking, as usual.

Yesterday, a wise woman posted a comment on my last post, Pivoting Until I’m Dizzy.  She said, “…since this is an experiment why don’t you continue to do what Abraham-Hicks says, instead of listening to logic for now?  Your 30 days are almost up.  So what would happen if you went with the flow of what AH says for the meantime without the interference of “logic”?  That’s the whole purpose of the experiment.  Right?”

Right!

BUT … I kind of screwed up the experiment.  If I’d actually been feeling good every day, or at least most of the time, since I started this experiment on January 17, waiting to see what happens makes sense.  Unfortunately, once I started all this freelancing nonsense, I stopped feeling good.  So I don’t have consistent stretch of feel-good time behind me, like I wanted to have to see if this would work.

Yesterday evening, I was stuck in Ponderville, going around and around on the not-so-merry-go-round in town square.  I want to have Tim win the lottery (have I said that he wins between $5 and $8 every drawing now?) and just write my own projects OR in the alternative, have my agent finally get around to reading my latest novel and decide to represent it AND/OR have a new agent take on my dog memoir.  That’s what I want, and I want to focus on that.

BUT I don’t have the faith to sit around drawing pictures and feeling good while EXPECTING that he’ll win or that I’ll sell a book in the next couple months.  He’s been saying he’ll win for over two years.  I can’t get myself to KNOW that he’ll do it in the next 2 or 3 months, and if he doesn’t, we’re screwed.  Agents are slower than slugs, so I can’t count on them.

That’s why I looked into freelancing.

BUT … I hate the idea of freelancing.

So I’m unhappy if I freelance and I’m unhappy if I do nothing, and I can’t seem to come up with other options.

Tim asked me last night, “What’s your path of least resistance?”  This is the way Abraham-Hicks teaches you to choose your course of action.  You take the course of action that brings up the least amount of resistance, meaning, the least amount of negative feelings.

I told Tim it was a tie—both choices brought up a lot of negative feelings.

Because I messed up my experiment, I don’t feel comfortable doing nothing for another 30 days.  Because I want to do nothing, I don’t feel comfortable freelancing.

Back and forth … which path is right?

Then I remembered that Abraham-Hicks says that it doesn’t really matter which path you choose as long as once you choose, you get easy with it.  In other words, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing.  What matters is how you feel about it.

So, could I get easy with freelancing?  Could I see it as okay?

I started looking for positive aspects of freelancing:  It would bring in a little money so I wouldn’t feel like we were on the thin edge of disaster.  I could stop at any time.  At least I’d be at home with my dog.

And suddenly, I felt a little relief, that ahhh feeling that says, “This is a path of least resistance.”

I realized that I could go ahead and pursue these jobs with an attitude of, “if I get them, fine; if I don’t, fine.”  And if I do get a job, I can do it with an attitude of “this is a growth experience,” and “when Tim wins, I’ll quit and refund client money.”

So I went ahead and contacted a potential client and told him I could do his job.  And I fixed dinner, enjoyed a TV show, posted to The Joyful Springer (always FUN!), played cribbage, read, and had a good night’s sleep.

This morning, I got an e-mail from the potential client.  He’s considering my offer and will get back to me Monday.  I immediately felt an “ahhh.”  I liked the space he was giving it.  I then felt compelled to bid on two more projects.  I wrote proposals, sent them.  And now I’m going back to reading.

I feel okay.  I feel good.

I’m getting easy about my path.  I still want Tim to win the lottery but I can be easy about doing some freelance work too.

I’m also throwing around ideas for a new book project.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll come up with a million dollar idea?  I could get real easy about that.

Pivoting Until I’m Dizzy

Sometimes it’s easy.  I find my mind wandering onto a subject that doesn’t make me feel good.  I grab the thought by the tail (occasionally I can almost hear it screech with indignity), and I send it on its way.  I call another thought onto the stage, and I’m good to go.

When it comes to doing things, though, it’s more challenging.  I’m still hung up on how to feel good when I’m doing something I really don’t want to do.

It’s this freelancing stuff again.  I’m considering taking a job; it doesn’t pay nearly as well as I want it to, and I think it’s going to be a lot of work (honestly, I’d rather take about 100 naps).

I can feel the “not good feelings” when I contemplate the job (or any freelancing job—face it; I want to write my own stuff, not someone else’s).  So I stop what I’m doing and go do something else.

Yesterday’s Abraham-Hicks quote was:

“Anytime you feel negative emotion, stop and say: Something is important here; otherwise, I would not be feeling this negative emotion. What is it that I want? And then simply turn your attention to what you do want. . . . In the moment you turn your attention to what you want, the negative attraction will stop; and in the moment the negative attraction stops, the positive attraction will begin. And—in that moment—your feeling will change from not feeling good to feeling good. That is the Process of Pivoting.”

So this is me lately:

Look for freelance job, feel lousy, pivot

Bid on freelance job, feel lousy, pivot

Contemplate freelance job, feel lousy, pivot

Consider not taking freelance jobs and just waiting for Tim to win the lottery, feel lousy, pivot

Look for a freelance job, feel lousy, pivot

…..etc., etc., etc.

How do I keep on what I want when I feel like I need to do what I don’t want to get what I do want (money)?

Then again, how does doing something I don’t want (that doesn’t feel good) put me in vibrational alignment with what I do what?

Are you bored yet?

I sure am.

So moving on, pivoting again…

I’ve started a new blog, one that DOES make me happy.  No money in it, of course, but it makes me SMILE.  It’s called The Joyful Springer, and it celebrates two of my top priorities—feeling good and my dog(s).

The best time I had yesterday was when I was working on my Joyful Springer blog.  So does that mean I should do more of that and less looking for freelance jobs?  Abraham-Hicks would say yes.  Logic says no.

Do I stick with my experiment and ignore logic?

How committed am I?

Still pondering that.

In the meantime, I’m at least happy that I’m ultra-aware of when I feel less than good.  So I keep pivoting, and pivoting, and pivoting and …..

What If It’s Easier Than We Think?

Few people have tried harder than I have.  I’ve been charging after writing and financial success for two decades.  I’ve written millions of words.  I’ve amassed over 2000 rejection letters.  I’ve sold short stories, poetry, greeting card copy, essays, columns, books, and e-books.  I’ve written web articles, newsletters.  I’ve build dozens of websites and free reports and e-zines.  I’ve taken thousands and thousands of dollars worth of training and courses, not to mention the thousands more I spent getting my B.A. and law degree ….

My point is that I haven’t been sitting around on my currently rather ample ass all my life.  When I have a problem, I don’t whine about it—I DO something to try and solve it.  When I want something, I don’t just daydream about it.  I go after it.

Ever since I started selling my writing, I’ve met a lot of people who say they want to be writers.  It’s amazing the number of people who want to write.

Humans love to ask each other, “So what do you do?” [translation:  how do you make money?]  Back when I was a lawyer, when I answered that question with, “I’m a lawyer,” no one ever said to me, “I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer.”  In fact, what I usually got in response to that answer was a lawyer joke … how many lawyers does it take to…….  Anyway, after I became a published author and I answered that question with, “I’m a writer,” at least half the people I met (or more) said to me, “I’ve always thought I had a book in me,” or “I’ve always wanted to be a writer.”

A few years ago, I made a new friend who told me she wanted to be a writer but after trying it, she got discouraged with the rejection.  I asked, “How many rejections did you get?”

She said, “One.”

I just stared at her.

She said, “I don’t take criticism well.”

No kidding.

So this woman wanted to be a writer, but she spent her days surfing the internet and reading books.  She actually had some talent (I read some of her stuff), but she never did anything with it.

When she asked me for advice, I said, “Write.”  If you want to be a writer, you have to WRITE, a lot.

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t write.

I know I’ve wandered off course, here, but I do have a point.

I have tried HARD to achieve the success and financial freedom I want.  I have made goal lists, created vision boards and binders, written letters to God, angels, and the universe.  I have visualized and affirmed.  I have read literally hundreds of books on how to have a great life.  I have WORKED to get what I want.

And here I am with dwindling funds, not nearly the success I’ve desired, and I’m finally realizing that the secret to getting what you want may not just be visualizing it then going for it.  The secret might be just as easy as what Abraham-Hicks says it is:  feel good.

A couple days ago, the Abraham-Hicks quote was:

“There isn’t anything that I cannot be or do or have, and I have a huge Nonphysical staff that’s ready to assist me, and I’m ready.”

I’m beginning to think that I’ve been underutilizing my “huge Nonphysical staff.”  While I’ve been slogging along with my nose to the grindstone and my eye on the ball (and as my stepfather says, “How is anyone supposed to get anything done in that position?”), my Nonphysical staff has been playing volleyball on the beach and drinking fruity cocktails with little umbrellas in them.  I’ve been trying to do all this stuff myself.  How dumb is that?  It’s like the CEO of Boeing trying to build the airplanes while the engineers and machinists build mobiles out of rivets.

As I’m going after freelancing jobs, I’m getting this sense that I’m doing it again—putting in the hard work.

Abraham says that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing—you have to “get easy” about it.

So as I find myself starting to obsess over DOING the right things to get the work I want (actually I don’t want the work at all—I have so many other things I’d rather be doing; I want the MONEY), I am catching myself and wondering, what if it’s easier than we think? What if this whole nose to the grindstone, pull yourself up by the bootstraps (I don’t even HAVE bootstraps … or a grindstone for that matter), “no pain, no gain” crap that our parents, teachers, and the media has brainwashed into believing is just plain wrong?

What if it really is easy?

What if being easy, feeling good, is all it takes to have what you want?

The other day, a good friend of mine said to me, “Well, you know you can’t just sit around feeling good about something and expect it to come to you.  You have to DO something after you feel good.  That’s what The Secret said.”

I said, “Mm hm.”

But I don’t KNOW this.  In fact, I’m starting to think the whole DOING is highly overrated.

Of course, I don’t feel totally confident about this, which is why I’m doing the freelance job search.  But I AM doing it with a different attitude.  I’m still telling it like it isn’t.  In my mind, I’m a lottery winner, a very happy, free lottery winner with all the time I need.  I’m looking for things that are FUN to do.

This morning, after I slept in until nine (heavenly), I got up and walked in the forest for an hour and a half (more heavenly).  I watched Ducky play with her friend, Dixie (if you don’t smile when you see happy dogs playing, you might want to turn yourself into NASA and get tested for alien infestation).  Tim and I made whole wheat pancakes for breakfast (which we ate about noon).  Then our friend, Lyn, called and asked, “Can Ducky come out to play?”  We met her and her dog, Jake (Ducky’s best friend), at the park and watched them play for a half hour.

Now Ducky is snoozing on her bed in front of the fire.  Tim and I are playing Scrabble.  Outside, the day is peaceful and crisp.  I’m totally and completely relaxed because I’m a lottery winner (in my virtual reality).

This is the experiment, and I am ready to prove my hypothesis:  feeling good (the human equivalent to tail wags) is the secret to getting what you want.

I have sent my Nonphysical staff out to bring me the physical money that matches my lottery winner state of mind.  And if it’s going to take a little time to get that, they can bring me a freelance job to keep Ducky in dog treats until the REAL winnings come in.

I am the happy executive of my life … ready to move onto EASY street.

Working Hard vs. Easy Working

I’ve worked hard for a long time to achieve success with my writing and business ventures.  When I’m focused on a project, I’m driven.  I write 30 to 40 pages a day when I work on a book project.  I’m totally in a tunnel-vision mode.  Tim talks to me, and I say, “Uh huh,” and he could have just told me he’s having an affair with a group of female aliens who have built an invisible harem in our backyard, and I wouldn’t know it.

Sometimes this work is fun, and when it is, I can feel it—it’s a flow like the surf.  Often, I’m pushing my way through the work.  And I wonder why it doesn’t sell?

The books I’ve sold are ones that I wrote in flow.  Hmm.

Yesterday’s Abraham quote was:

“When you are really in the flow with your Inner Being, ideas come easily—they are implemented easily.  It’s fun while you are in the process of them, and it doesn’t matter how they unfold; and nothing can go wrong, and it doesn’t matter if you don’t get it done, it’s just fun to do it.  Your Inner Being feels no limit.  So, anything that feels like limits is something that you have self-imposed.”

I finished the draft of a 62-page book proposal yesterday.  I read over it once and thought it was close to what I wanted it to be.  By the time I was done, it was after 7 p.m. but I had other things I wanted to do.  Do I keep pushing?

I looked at Ducky.  She had scattered toys all around me.

In keeping with my experiment, I asked myself, “What would make me feel better—more work or playing with Ducky?”

Ducky won out.  We played tug, did some training (she’s very enthusiastic about training), and cuddled.  It made me feel good.  After that, I used my chi machine.  That always makes me feel good.  Then I made a strawberry/banana smoothie.  Yum.

Would the work have been more productive?  I don’t think so.  I think I’ve got to trust my nonphysical self to guide me to the joys in life and let that energy lead me instead of all the effort.

Work has its place, but when it gets to hard, it’s counterproductive.  Working easy is working productive.

Facebook … Bah Humbug

Yesterday, a friend sent me an e-mail telling me to check out her Facebook page.  She’d added a bunch of pictures to it.

I don’t do Facebook.  So I asked her how to do that.  She sent me an invitation to be her friend on Facebook.

Turns out I have an account.  I’d totally forgotten that I signed up about 2 ½ years ago when I was doing everything I could think of to promote websites.  I never finished setting it up.  Never wrote a profile or added pictures.  Truth was my heart wasn’t in it.

I don’t like Facebook.

There, I said it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the FBI comes knocking on my door.  I think it might be anti-American to dislike Facebook.  Even more radical to refuse to look at anyone’s Twitters.

I just don’t like people that much.

Well, okay, that’s not true.  I mean, I like people, but I don’t want to know what everyone else is doing.  It messes with my head.

Too many people are doing negative things.  Or they’re doing positive things I think I should be doing and I’m not so I feel guilty that I’m not.  Or they’re doing things I just plain don’t care about one way or the other.

Facebook is too exposed for me.

Yeah, me.  A book author who has been on national TV to promote her book.

Or maybe it’s not that.  Maybe it’s the group-think involved with it.  The sheep aspect of it.  Everyone’s doing it.  I prefer to do things that not everyone is doing.

So I went to Facebook and accepted my friend’s request.  I discovered one of my dear friends had made a friend request months ago.  I accepted it then sent her an e-mail that said I hadn’t been ignoring her—I’d just not been following up with Facebook.

All authors should be on Facebook, the experts say.   That thought makes my stomach clench up.  I don’t like it.

A few days ago, this was Abraham’s daily quote:

“We would never do anything that didn’t make our heart sing! … And so you say, ‘But that choice doesn’t seem to be there. There’s this choice that doesn’t make my heart sing, or sort of staying where I am. So what should I do?’ And we say, we’d hang around and wait for something that makes our heart sing—and then we’d jump in with all four feet.”

I have SO much evidence that doing what other people say is a good idea doesn’t often work out.  I want to do what makes my heart sing.

I’m working on a book proposal right now for a book about my 17-year relationship with Muggins, my dog that died in October last year.  THAT makes my heart sing.

Facebook doesn’t make me sing.  So my page is going to stay the mess it is.  Thirty unanswered friend requests.  No pictures.  No information about me.

I don’t want to join that crowd.

And since I’m choosing to make feeling good my top priority, I don’t have to.